Ah, Kroger. It’s not you, it’s me. Actually, scratch that—it is you. After nine glorious years together, I’ve packed up my reusable grocery bags and moved on to H-E-B, the Beyoncé of Texas grocery stores. And here’s why:

Our Honeymoon Phase Was Great

When I moved to Texas from California, Kroger was like a breath of fresh, air-conditioned, neatly-aisled air. Everything was conveniently organized, their app made it easy to find products, and their refund policy was solid. If I had to return a dented can of beans, I was treated like royalty. What more could a grocery shopper ask for?

But alas, perfection doesn’t last. Over time, cracks began to appear in our relationship, and I realized I was being played like a fiddle in the hands of a discount maestro.

1. Placement Shenanigans: Aisle Be Fooled

Kroger’s favorite game: Spot the Discount! Here’s how it works—place the discounted product right next to a non-discounted twin that looks identical. While juggling a squirmy kid who thinks the shopping cart is a jungle gym, I’d inevitably grab the wrong item. Sure, I could slow down, inspect the price tag, and triple-check the barcode, but who has time for that when grocery shopping already feels like an episode of Survivor?

2. The Digital Coupon Conundrum

Oh, the infamous digital coupons. Some deals are for Kroger members, some require you to “clip” a coupon in the app, and some are both. It’s like playing grocery bingo, except instead of winning, you realize at checkout that half your “discounts” didn’t apply because you forgot to click a tiny button on your phone.

Kroger, why are you doing this? Are we not loyal members already? Why must we prove ourselves by taking an extra step for savings? It’s like they’re saving money by banking on our forgetfulness. And oh, how they save.

3. The One-Transaction Trick

Kroger’s 5-times-use digital coupon sounds amazing—until you read the fine print: it’s five uses in one transaction. Translation: if I want to save on apples, I’d better buy 15 pounds of them at once.

Who needs 15 pounds of apples? Am I running a pie shop? No! So, there I am, leaving the store feeling less like a savvy shopper and more like a cautionary tale for “Read the Fine Print” PSA posters.

The Final Straw

I tried to overlook the games, the fine print, and the mysterious “missing” discounts. But after enough surprise overcharges and aisle confusion, I had to throw in the towel—or rather, the grocery cart.

Enter H-E-B. It’s clean, it’s straightforward, and best of all, their discounts don’t require a treasure map to find. I’m greeted with clear pricing, generous deals, and a distinct lack of gotchas. Oh, and let’s not forget the heavenly tortillas.

Kroger, It’s Not Personal…But It Kind of Is

So here we are, at the end of the road. Kroger, you’re still a solid store in many ways, but your discount games have driven me away. I wish you well, but I’ll be at H-E-B, happily clipping zero coupons and not second-guessing every price tag.

To anyone else considering a move: come to H-E-B. The tortillas are warm, the discounts are real, and the only surprise you’ll get is how much you’ll love grocery shopping again. Sorry, Kroger. It’s not me. It’s 100% you.